Thursday, May 24, 2012

The stupid things I do.

"What did you do, this time?" 

I have a hard time nailing down a numero uno best friend.  Instead, I have bestie groups:  The best weiner-friend, the best vagina-friend, the best friend from childhood, the best long-distance friend, and the best ex-boyfriend.  Stoov* (he's weird about seeing his name on the internet) is my best weiner, and as much as he hates that title, he's carried it well for the past five years, after I stole his bestie status from another girl.  It was as bitter, awkward and dramatic as any love triangle, with her harassing both of us through threatening text messages, emails and gossip for months.  But in the end, as these stories usually go, it only brought us closer.  

This photo pretty much sums up our entire friendship.

Stoov is one of the few people in this world with whom I'm comfortable enough to be my completely stupid self.  So when something particularly embarrassing happens, I can always count on him to laugh with me AND at me.  

"Stoov, I'm at a barbecue.  And I just accidentally grabbed a guy's ass."  I said, the day of a Memorial Day party in Minneapolis, last year.

"Oh... that's embarrassing.  Why did you do that?"  Stoov asked.

"I thought he was Drew."  I responded.

"Oh..."

"He was standing next to his wife."

"...Oh..?"

"He wasn't even dressed like Drew.  He was wearing khakis."

"...uh huh..."

"And he was holding a baby."

"...Are you... drunk?"

"No."

There have been multiple occasions where I've needed Stoov to laugh at me.  In situations like the one transcribed above, you need someone to confirm that what just happened was not just humiliating, but also hilarious.  Otherwise you'll find yourself hiding out in a bathroom at some house party, running the water, just hoping that everyone will leave before you come out.  

Which reminds me.

"Stoov, I just peed in a bottle."

"...Whyyyyy?"

"There's only one bathroom in this house, and I thought someone was in there for the past hour.  I couldn't wait, anymore.  I thought about going outside."

"Why didn't you?"

"It's Uptown.  In broad daylight.  Someone would see."

"How did you maneuver that?"

"I don't even know.  I was desperate."

"What did you do with the bottle?"

"I threw it in the bathroom trash.  Under some stuff."

"I thought you said someone was in there?"

"I was wrong.  The door was just closed."

"Oh, Laura..."



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